By Bosede Ola-Samuel
The rate of increase in the number of people filing for divorce in our courts of law these days is becoming so alarming. Many couples who are not considering divorce do so, not because they are enjoying their marriage, but simply because they have resigned themselves to fate since they cannot face the stigma of been tagged a “divorcee.” So, they will rather stay and suffer in silence.
There are several reasons people give for seeking divorce, but my experience in marriage counselling has made me to realise that the bedrock of every of those reasons is poor sex. Hardly will you see a man or a woman in court on the basis of lack of sexual satisfaction, especially in our side of the world, but underneath whatever reason they give is the monster of sexual dissatisfaction.
The truth is, no matter what the problem is in marriage, as long as the couple still enjoy good sex with each other, it can easily be overlooked. The two can easily find a way around it. But the moment they no longer enjoy good sex, issues that were never considered to be problematic suddenly become matters that can no longer be ignored. The quality of sex and what it represents plays a major role in the quality of every marriage: poor sex will always result in a weak marriage and vice versa. So, if you are not enjoying a great sex life with your spouse, it is important you both find out what is wrong and make changes before it costs you more than you bargain for.
However, it must be stressed that a great sex life between a couple does not come just because the two love each other. As nothing good comes easy, there is a price to pay by both parties if they will enjoy great sex life with. They must both recognise and appreciate the importance of great sex to their union and achieving it must become their mutual goal.
The question you may want to ask is this: if sex is God’s gift to married couple and they are both created as sexual beings, why should there be any problem in them expressing themselves to each other in sexual intercourse? Why should enjoying a great sex life be an issue since they both have the urge for it?
Enjoying great sex with your spouse is a function of many things, but a major one is the difference in the body makeup of man and woman. A couple that will enjoy a great sex life must recognise the difference in the body mechanism of man and woman and seek how to use it to their advantage. This difference is what is responsible for the variance in the way men and women view and respond to sex. A good understanding of this will go a long way in ensuring that sex becomes something that you and your spouse look forward to.
Sex for a man is an “any day” and “any time” thing. He needs no special preparation for him to have good sexual intercourse with his wife. Mere seeing a part of her body can set him aflame. And as far as he is concerned, he sees no reason why she should not be ready to receive him any time he signifies his intention to have it. A woman, on the other hand, views sex in a different way. For her, good sex requires good time of preparation. A fire brigade approach does not work. While her man needs no special effort to be aroused sexually, she needs him to help her become sexually aroused by his sweet words and gentle touch. This is because a woman’s response to sex is slow and gradual but that of a man is quick and spontaneous.
Somebody once said that there are only two things on the mind of a man when he is coming back home after work: good food and good sex. But this is not so with a woman. Many times, sex is the last thing on her mind due to the fact that she is a multi-faceted being, and that is why her husband must take time to prepare her ahead for a good show. A man once said that for him to get the sexual response he desires from his wife at bedtime, he begins to prepare her right in the morning.
The Biblical King Solomon in his wisdom describes a woman as a well and a man as a fountain (Proverbs 5:15-18). Water is not found on the surface of a well like it is with a fountain. Anyone who will get water from a well must be ready to reach deep down into it and draw it out. Likewise is it with a woman; her man must be patient enough to reach down into her, draw out her affection and bring her to a place of sexual excitement and fulfilment. This takes time. It takes a lot of petting. It takes planting yourself into her heart hours before show time. And at show time, it takes a lot of kissing and fondling. A man should never be in a hurry to draw from his wife, for the “well is deep.” Anything short of this, she sees herself as being used.
The beauty of sex is lost when fulfilment is not mutual. I remember a couple I had to counsel with on this issue. The woman had developed apathy for sex because, according to her, all he does is to use her to satisfy his sexual desire, after which he rolls off to the other side of the bed, taking a deep sleep while she is left to cry herself to sleep, feeling dejected and unfulfilled.
So, the goal of every man should be to make sex something his wife will look forward to and this will only be made possible when he makes taking her to the climax – reaching orgasm – his focus at every show. On the other hand, the woman must make herself attractive to her husband and make him feel welcome at all times.
In response to my readers’ request, I have packaged some of my previous articles into a book with the title: ENJOYING GREAT SEXLIFE. You can call me on 08112658560 for the book.